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CHAPTER LIV
MUTUAL DISCOMFITURE
It must not be supposed that I was altogether so
thick-headed as Jeremy would have made me out. But it
is part of my character that I like other people to
think me slow, and to labour hard to enlighten me,
while all the time I can say to myself, 'This man is
shallower than I am; it is pleasant to see his shoals
come up while he is sounding mine so!' Not that I would
so behave, God forbid, with anybody (be it man or
woman) who in simple heart approached me, with no gauge
of intellect. But when the upper hand is taken, upon
the faith of one's patience, by a man of even smaller
wits (not that Jeremy was that, neither could he have
lived to be thought so), why, it naturally happens,
that we knuckle under, with an ounce of indignation.
Jeremy's tale would have moved me greatly both with
sorrow and anger, even without my guess at first, and
now my firm belief, that the child of those unlucky
parents was indeed my Lorna. And as I thought of the
lady's troubles, and her faith in Providence, and her
cruel, childless death, and then imagined how my
darling would be overcome to hear it, you may well
believe that my quick replies to Jeremy Stickles's
banter were but as the flourish of a drum to cover the
sounds of pain.
For when he described the heavy coach and the persons
in and upon it, and the breaking down at Dulverton, and
the place of their destination, as well as the time and
the weather, and the season of the year, my heart began
to burn within me, and my mind replaced the pictures,
first of the foreign lady's-maid by the pump caressing
me, and then of the coach struggling up the hill, and
the beautiful dame, and the fine little boy, with the
white cockade in his hat; but most of all the little
girl, dark-haired and very lovely, and having even in
those days the rich soft look of Lorna.
But when he spoke of the necklace thrown over the head
of the little maiden, and of her disappearance, before
my eyes arose at once the flashing of the beacon-fire,
the lonely moors embrowned with the light, the tramp of
the outlaw cavalcade, and the helpless child
head-downward, lying across the robber's saddle-bow.
Then I remembered my own mad shout of boyish
indignation, and marvelled at the strange long way by
which the events of life come round. And while I
thought of my own return, and childish attempt to hide
myself from sorrow in the sawpit, and the agony of my
mother's tears, it did not fail to strike me as a thing
of omen, that the selfsame day should be, both to my
darling and myself, the blackest and most miserable of
all youthful days.
The King's Commissioner thought it wise, for some good
reason of his own, to conceal from me, for the present,
the name of the poor lady supposed to be Lorna's
mother; and knowing that I could easily now discover
it, without him, I let that question abide awhile.
Indeed I was half afraid to hear it, remembering that
the nobler and the wealthier she proved to be, the
smaller was my chance of winning such a wife for plain
John Ridd. Not that she would give me up: that I never
dreamed of. But that others would interfere; or indeed
I myself might find it only honest to relinquish her.
That last thought was a dreadful blow, and took my
breath away from me.
Jeremy Stickles was quite decided--and of course the
discovery being his, he had a right to be so--that not
a word of all these things must be imparted to Lorna
herself, or even to my mother, or any one whatever.
'Keep it tight as wax, my lad,' he cried, with a wink
of great expression; 'this belongs to me, mind; and the
credit, ay, and the premium, and the right of discount,
are altogether mine. It would have taken you fifty
years to put two and two together so, as I did, like a
clap of thunder. Ah, God has given some men brains;
and others have good farms and money, and a certain
skill in the lower beasts. Each must use his special
talent. You work your farm: I work my brains. In the
end, my lad, I shall beat you.'
'Then, Jeremy, what a fool you must be, if you cudgel
your brains to make money of this, to open the
barn-door to me, and show me all your threshing.'
'Not a whit, my son. Quite the opposite. Two men
always thresh better than one. And here I have you
bound to use your flail, one two, with mine, and yet in
strictest honour bound not to bushel up, till I tell
you.'
'But,' said I, being much amused by a Londoner's brave,
yet uncertain, use of simplest rural metaphors, for he
had wholly forgotten the winnowing: 'surely if I bushel
up, even when you tell me, I must take half-measure.'
'So you shall, my boy,' he answered, 'if we can only
cheat those confounded knaves of Equity. You shall
take the beauty, my son, and the elegance, and the
love, and all that--and, my boy, I will take the
money.'
This he said in a way so dry, and yet so richly
unctuous, that being gifted somehow by God, with a kind
of sense of queerness, I fell back in my chair, and
laughed, though the underside of my laugh was tears.
'Now, Jeremy, how if I refuse to keep this half as
tight as wax. You bound me to no such partnership,
before you told the story; and I am not sure, by any
means, of your right to do so afterwards.'
'Tush!' he replied: 'I know you too well, to look for
meanness in you. If from pure goodwill, John Ridd, and
anxiety to relieve you, I made no condition precedent,
you are not the man to take advantage, as a lawyer
might. I do not even want your promise. As sure as I
hold this glass, and drink your health and love in
another drop (forced on me by pathetic words), so
surely will you be bound to me, until I do release you.
Tush! I know men well by this time: a mere look of
trust from one is worth another's ten thousand oaths.'
'Jeremy, you are right,' I answered; 'at least as
regards the issue. Although perhaps you were not right
in leading me into a bargain like this, without my own
consent or knowledge. But supposing that we should
both be shot in this grand attack on the valley (for I
mean to go with you now, heart and soul), is Lorna to
remain untold of that which changes all her life?'
'Both shot!' cried Jeremy Stickles: 'my goodness, boy,
talk not like that! And those Doones are cursed good
shots too. Nay, nay, the yellows shall go in front; we
attack on the Somerset side, I think. I from a hill
will reconnoitre, as behoves a general, you shall stick
behind a tree, if we can only find one big enough to
hide you. You and I to be shot, John Ridd, with all
this inferior food for powder anxious to be devoured?'
I laughed, for I knew his cool hardihood, and
never-flinching courage; and sooth to say no coward
would have dared to talk like that.
'But when one comes to think of it,' he continued,
smiling at himself; 'some provision should be made for
even that unpleasant chance. I will leave the whole in
writing, with orders to be opened, etc., etc.--Now no
more of that, my boy; a cigarro after schnapps, and go
to meet my yellow boys.'
His 'yellow boys,' as he called the Somersetshire
trained bands, were even now coming down the valley
from the London Road, as every one since I went up to
town, grandly entitled the lane to the moors. There
was one good point about these men, that having no
discipline at all, they made pretence to none whatever.
Nay, rather they ridiculed the thing, as below men of
any spirit. On the other hand, Master Stickles's
troopers looked down on these native fellows from a
height which I hope they may never tumble, for it would
break the necks of all of them.
Now these fine natives came along, singing, for their
very lives, a song the like of which set down here
would oust my book from modest people, and make
everybody say, 'this man never can have loved Lorna.'
Therefore, the less of that the better; only I thought,
'what a difference from the goodly psalms of the ale
house!'
Having finished their canticle, which contained more
mirth than melody, they drew themselves up, in a sort
of way supposed by them to be military, each man with
heel and elbow struck into those of his neighbour, and
saluted the King's Commissioner. 'Why, where are your
officers?' asked Master Stickles; 'how is it that you
have no officers?' Upon this there arose a general
grin, and a knowing look passed along their faces, even
up to the man by the gatepost. 'Are you going to tell
me, or not,' said Jeremy, 'what is become of your
officers?'
'Plaise zur,' said one little fellow at last, being
nodded at by the rest to speak, in right of his known
eloquence; 'hus tould Harfizers, as a wor no nade of
un, now King's man hiszell wor coom, a puppose vor to
command us laike.'
'And do you mean to say, you villains,' cried Jeremy,
scarce knowing whether to laugh, or to swear, or what
to do; 'that your officers took their dismissal thus,
and let you come on without them?'
'What could 'em do?' asked the little man, with reason
certainly on his side: 'hus zent 'em about their
business, and they was glad enough to goo.'
'Well!' said poor Jeremy, turning to me; 'a pretty
state of things, John! Threescore cobblers, and farming
men, plasterers, tailors, and kettles-to-mend; and not
a man to keep order among them, except my blessed self,
John! And I trow there is not one among them could hit
all in-door flying. The Doones will make riddles of
all of us.'
However, he had better hopes when the sons of Devon
appeared, as they did in about an hour's time; fine
fellows, and eager to prove themselves. These had not
discarded their officers, but marched in good obedience
to them, and were quite prepared to fight the men of
Somerset (if need be) in addition to the Doones. And
there was scarcely a man among them but could have
trounced three of the yellow men, and would have done
it gladly too, in honour of the red facings.
'Do you mean to suppose, Master Jeremy Stickles,' said
I, looking on with amazement, beholding also all our
maidens at the upstair windows wondering; 'that we, my
mother a widow woman, and I a young man of small
estate, can keep and support all these precious
fellows, both yellow ones, and red ones, until they
have taken the Doone Glen?'
'God forbid it, my son!' he replied, laying a finger
upon his lip: 'Nay, nay, I am not of the shabby order,
when I have the strings of government. Kill your sheep
at famine prices, and knead your bread at a figure
expressing the rigours of last winter. Let Annie make
out the bill every day, and I at night will double it.
You may take my word for it, Master John, this
spring-harvest shall bring you in three times as much
as last autumn's did. If they cheated you in town, my
lad, you shall have your change in the country. Take
thy bill, and write down quickly.'
However this did not meet my views of what an honest
man should do; and I went to consult my mother about
it, as all the accounts would be made in her name.
Dear mother thought that if the King paid only half
again as much as other people would have to pay, it
would be perhaps the proper thing; the half being due
for loyalty: and here she quoted an ancient saying,--
The King and his staff.
Be a man and a half:
which, according to her judgment, ruled beyond dispute
the law of the present question. To argue with her
after that (which she brought up with such triumph)
would have been worse than useless. Therefore I just
told Annie to make the bills at a third below the
current market prices; so that the upshot would be
fair. She promised me honestly that she would; but
with a twinkle in her bright blue eyes, which she must
have caught from Tom Faggus. It always has appeared to
me that stern and downright honesty upon money matters
is a thing not understood of women; be they as good as
good can be.
The yellows and the reds together numbered a hundred
and twenty men, most of whom slept in our barns and
stacks; and besides these we had fifteen troopers of
the regular army. You may suppose that all the country
was turned upside down about it; and the folk who came
to see them drill--by no means a needless
exercise--were a greater plague than the soldiers. The
officers too of the Devonshire hand were such a torment
to us, that we almost wished their men had dismissed
them, as the Somerset troop had done with theirs. For
we could not keep them out of our house, being all
young men of good family, and therefore not to be met
with bars. And having now three lovely maidens (for
even Lizzie might he called so, when she cared to
please), mother and I were at wit's ends, on account of
those blessed officers. I never got a wink of sleep;
they came whistling under the window so; and directly I
went out to chase them, there was nothing but a cat to
see.
Therefore all of us were right glad (except perhaps
Farmer Snowe, from whom we had bought some victuals at
rare price), when Jeremy Stickles gave orders to march,
and we began to try to do it. A good deal of boasting
went overhead, as our men defiled along the lane; and
the thick broad patins of pennywort jutted out between
the stones, ready to heal their bruises. The parish
choir came part of the way, and the singing-loft from
Countisbury; and they kept our soldiers' spirits up
with some of the most pugnacious Psalms. Parson Bowden
marched ahead, leading all our van and file, as against
the Papists; and promising to go with us, till we came
to bullet distance. Therefore we marched bravely on,
and children came to look at us. And I wondered where
Uncle Reuben was, who ought to have led the culverins
(whereof we had no less than three), if Stickles could
only have found him; and then I thought of little Ruth;
and without any fault on my part, my heart went down
within me.
The culverins were laid on bark; and all our horses
pulling them, and looking round every now and then,
with their ears curved up like a squirrel'd nut, and
their noses tossing anxiously, to know what sort of
plough it was man had been pleased to put behind
them--man, whose endless whims and wildness they could
never understand, any more than they could satisfy.
However, they pulled their very best--as all our horses
always do--and the culverins went up the hill, without
smack of whip, or swearing. It had been arranged,
very justly, no doubt, and quite in keeping with the
spirit of the Constitution, but as it proved not too
wisely, that either body of men should act in its own
county only. So when we reached the top of the hill,
the sons of Devon marched on, and across the track
leading into Doone-gate, so as to fetch round the
western side, and attack with their culverin from the
cliffs, whence the sentry had challenged me on the
night of my passing the entrance. Meanwhile the yellow
lads were to stay upon the eastern highland, whence
Uncle Reuben and myself had reconnoitred so long ago;
and whence I had leaped into the valley at the time of
the great snow-drifts. And here they were not to show
themselves; but keep their culverin in the woods, until
their cousins of Devon appeared on the opposite parapet
of the glen.
The third culverin was entrusted to the fifteen
troopers; who, with ten picked soldiers from either
trained hand, making in all five-and-thirty men, were
to assault the Doone-gate itself, while the outlaws
were placed between two fires from the eastern cliff
and the western. And with this force went Jeremy
Stickles, and with it went myself, as knowing more
about the passage than any other stranger did.
Therefore, if I have put it clearly, as I strive to do,
you will see that the Doones must repulse at once three
simultaneous attacks, from an army numbering in the
whole one hundred and thirty-five men, not including
the Devonshire officers; fifty men on each side, I
mean, and thirty-five at the head of the valley.
The tactics of this grand campaign appeared to me so
clever, and beautifully ordered, that I commended
Colonel Stickles, as everybody now called him, for his
great ability and mastery of the art of war. He
admitted that he deserved high praise; but said that he
was not by any means equally certain of success, so
large a proportion of his forces being only a raw
militia, brave enough no doubt for anything, when they
saw their way to it; but knowing little of gunnery, and
wholly unused to be shot at. Whereas all the Doones
were practised marksmen, being compelled when lads
(like the Balearic slingers) to strike down their meals
before tasting them. And then Colonel Stickles asked
me, whether I myself could stand fire; he knew that I
was not a coward, but this was a different question. I
told him that I had been shot at, once or twice before;
but nevertheless disliked it, as much as almost
anything. Upon that he said that I would do; for that
when a man got over the first blush of diffidence, he
soon began to look upon it as a puff of destiny.
I wish I could only tell what happened, in the battle
of that day, especially as nearly all the people round
these parts, who never saw gun-fire in it, have gotten
the tale so much amiss; and some of them will even
stand in front of my own hearth, and contradict me to
the teeth; although at the time they were not born, nor
their fathers put into breeches. But in truth, I
cannot tell, exactly, even the part in which I helped,
how then can I be expected, time by time, to lay before
you, all the little ins and outs of places, where I
myself was not? Only I can contradict things, which I
know could not have been; and what I plainly saw should
not be controverted in my own house.
Now we five-and-thirty men lay back a little way round
the corner, in the hollow of the track which leads to
the strong Doone-gate. Our culverin was in amongst
us, loaded now to the muzzle, and it was not
comfortable to know that it might go off at any time.
Although the yeomanry were not come (according to
arrangement), some of us had horses there; besides the
horses who dragged the cannon, and now were sniffing at
it. And there were plenty of spectators to mind these
horses for us, as soon as we should charge; inasmuch as
all our friends and neighbours, who had so keenly
prepared for the battle, now resolved to take no part,
but look on, and praise the winners.
At last we heard the loud bang-bang, which proved that
Devon and Somerset were pouring their indignation hot
into the den of malefactors, or at least so we
supposed; therefore at double quick march we advanced
round the bend of the cliff which had hidden us, hoping
to find the gate undefended, and to blow down all
barriers with the fire of our cannon. And indeed it
seemed likely at first to be so, for the wild and
mountainous gorge of rock appeared to be all in pure
loneliness, except where the coloured coats of our
soldiers, and their metal trappings, shone with the sun
behind them. Therefore we shouted a loud hurrah, as
for an easy victory.
But while the sound of our cheer rang back among the
crags above us, a shrill clear whistle cleft the air
for a single moment, and then a dozen carbines
bellowed, and all among us flew murderous lead.
Several of our men rolled over, but the rest rushed on
like Britons, Jeremy and myself in front, while we
heard the horses plunging at the loaded gun behind us.
'Now, my lads,' cried Jeremy, 'one dash, and we are
beyond them!' For he saw that the foe was overhead in
the gallery of brushwood.
Our men with a brave shout answered him, for his
courage was fine example; and we leaped in under the
feet of the foe, before they could load their guns
again. But here, when the foremost among us were past,
an awful crash rang behind us, with the shrieks of men,
and the din of metal, and the horrible screaming of
horses. The trunk of the tree had been launched
overhead, and crashed into the very midst of us. Our
cannon was under it, so were two men, and a horse with
his poor back broken. Another horse vainly struggled
to rise, with his thigh-bone smashed and protruding.
Now I lost all presence of mind at this, for I loved
both those good horses, and shouting for any to follow
me, dashed headlong into the cavern. Some five or six
men came after me, the foremost of whom was Jeremy,
when a storm of shot whistled and patted around me,
with a blaze of light and a thunderous roar. On I
leaped, like a madman, and pounced on one gunner, and
hurled him across his culverin; but the others had
fled, and a heavy oak door fell to with a bang, behind
them. So utterly were my senses gone, and naught but
strength remaining, that I caught up the cannon with
both hands, and dashed it, breech-first, at the
doorway. The solid oak burst with the blow, and the
gun stuck fast, like a builder's putlog.
But here I looked round in vain for any one to come and
follow up my success. The scanty light showed me no
figure moving through the length of the tunnel behind
me; only a heavy groan or two went to my heart, and
chilled it. So I hurried back to seek Jeremy, fearing
that he must be smitten down.
And so indeed I found him, as well as three other poor
fellows, struck by the charge of the culverin, which
had passed so close beside me. Two of the four were as
dead as stones, and growing cold already, but Jeremy
and the other could manage to groan, just now and then.
So I turned my attention to them, and thought no more
of fighting.
Having so many wounded men, and so many dead among us,
we loitered at the cavern's mouth, and looked at one
another, wishing only for somebody to come and take
command of us. But no one came; and I was griefed so
much about poor Jeremy, besides being wholly unused to
any violence of bloodshed, that I could only keep his
head up, and try to stop him from bleeding. And he
looked up at me pitifully, being perhaps in a haze of
thought, as a calf looks at a butcher.
The shot had taken him in the mouth; about that no
doubt could be, for two of his teeth were in his beard,
and one of his lips was wanting. I laid his shattered
face on my breast, and nursed him, as a woman might.
But he looked at me with a jerk at this; and I saw that
he wanted coolness.
While here we stayed, quite out of danger (for the
fellows from the gallery could by no means shoot us,
even if they remained there, and the oaken door whence
the others fled was blocked up by the culverin), a boy
who had no business there (being in fact our clerk's
apprentice to the art of shoe-making) came round the
corner upon us in the manner which boys, and only boys,
can use with grace and freedom; that is to say, with a
sudden rush, and a sidelong step, and an impudence,--
'Got the worst of it!' cried the boy; 'better be off
all of you. Zoomerzett and Devon a vighting; and the
Doones have drashed 'em both. Maister Ridd, even thee
be drashed.'
We few, who yet remained of the force which was to have
won the Doone-gate, gazed at one another, like so many
fools, and nothing more. For we still had some faint
hopes of winning the day, and recovering our
reputation, by means of what the other men might have
done without us. And we could not understand at all
how Devonshire and Somerset, being embarked in the same
cause, should be fighting with one another.
Finding nothing more to be done in the way of carrying
on the war, we laid poor Master Stickles and two more
of the wounded upon the carriage of bark and hurdles,
whereon our gun had lain; and we rolled the gun into
the river, and harnessed the horses yet alive, and put
the others out of their pain, and sadly wended
homewards, feeling ourselves to be thoroughly beaten,
yet ready to maintain that it was no fault of ours
whatever. And in this opinion the women joined, being
only too glad and thankful to see us home alive again.
Now, this enterprise having failed so, I prefer not to
dwell too long upon it; only just to show the mischief
which lay at the root of the failure. And this
mischief was the vile jealousy betwixt red and yellow
uniform. Now I try to speak impartially, belonging no
more to Somerset than I do to Devonshire, living upon
the borders, and born of either county. The tale was
told me by one side first; and then quite to a
different tune by the other; and then by both together,
with very hot words of reviling. and a desire to fight
it out again. And putting this with that, the truth
appears to be as follows:--
The men of Devon, who bore red facings, had a long way
to go round the hills, before they could get into due
position on the western side of the Doone Glen. And
knowing that their cousins in yellow would claim the
whole of the glory, if allowed to be first with the
firing, these worthy fellows waited not to take good
aim with their cannons, seeing the others about to
shoot; but fettled it anyhow on the slope, pointing in
a general direction; and trusting in God for
aimworthiness, laid the rope to the breech, and fired.
Now as Providence ordained it, the shot, which was a
casual mixture of anything considered hard--for
instance, jug-bottoms and knobs of doors--the whole of
this pernicious dose came scattering and shattering
among the unfortunate yellow men upon the opposite
cliff; killing one and wounding two.
Now what did the men of Somerset do, but instead of
waiting for their friends to send round and beg pardon,
train their gun full mouth upon them, and with a
vicious meaning shoot. Not only this, but they loudly
cheered, when they saw four or five red coats lie low;
for which savage feeling not even the remarks of the
Devonshire men concerning their coats could entirely
excuse them. Now I need not tell the rest of it, for
the tale makes a man discontented. Enough that both
sides waxed hotter and hotter with the fire of
destruction. And but that the gorge of the cliffs lay
between, very few would have lived to tell of it; for
our western blood becomes stiff and firm, when churned
with the sense of wrong in it.
At last the Doones (who must have laughed at the
thunder passing overhead) recalling their men from the
gallery, issued out of Gwenny's gate (which had been
wholly overlooked) and fell on the rear of the Somerset
men, and slew four beside their cannon. Then while the
survivors ran away, the outlaws took the hot culverin,
and rolled it down into their valley. Thus, of the
three guns set forth that morning, only one ever came
home again, and that was the gun of the Devonshire men,
who dragged it home themselves, with the view of making
a boast about it.
This was a melancholy end of our brave setting out, and
everybody blamed every one else; and several of us
wanted to have the whole thing over again, as then we
must have righted it. But upon one point all agreed,
by some reason not clear to me, that the root of the
evil was to be found in the way Parson Bowden went up
the hill, with his hat on, and no cassock.
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